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(Jenny: early 30’s Japanese-American):
"Hey Saori, thanks for writing in and sharing your story. Honestly, I was in no position to voice my opinion on your specific situation since both my partner and I do not work for a typical Japanese "establishment" that has the social events you mentioned so I went to my fellow coworkers to get their feedback.
Interestingly enough, quite a few of my male colleagues told me they felt the same way as your boyfriend! I had no idea it bothered "Western" men so much actually. From their invaluable insight into the matter, I think I can at least try to bring some helpful advice.
From British to American to Canadian colleagues I have sought opinions from, the one thing that rang through from all their answers was that they felt when their girlfriends went out often, they seemed to have been left "out" of their girlfriends’ lives.
In other countries, there is a sense of "inclusiveness" in each partners lives. Meaning that boyfriends and girlfriends tend to get to know their partner’s coworkers/friends/classmates. This at least gives them a sense of trust with their partner while also being given the chance to decide whether to attend social gatherings or not. Japan is a society of circles meaning one circle of local friends, another for college friends, another for ex coworkers, and the list goes on and on. Never (or almost never) do the circles overlap.
One coworker told me that he was not invited to his wife’s coworker’s wedding ceremony but was asked to have dinner with the newlyweds on a separate evening as they wanted to hang out with other married people. In this particular situation, my coworker declined the invitation since he felt that if he were not "good enough" to be invited to the wedding that he wanted nothing to do with them. Extreme? Yes… Unreasonable? No…
As I see it, I think you should ask him directly what is it about you going to these work events that irk him so much. I will assume that if you have already asked him and he has not spoken his true feelings. Try to ask him to get his non Japanese friends who also date Japanese women to get their input on how they feel about their partners going out to work obligated parties. Hopefully, he will listen or understand more about Japan’s work culture that these events (though they seem non work related) are actually a part of work. Also that not including partners in these events as in weddings is not part of any insult or gesture of "excluding" someone but rather a part of the current culture and society of making circles.
I wish you luck and report back to me if there are new developments. All the best!
By the way, great job on the "younger" catch! " 🙂
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